Words by Rob Evans (@the_venison_diplomat)

Venison Diplomat

Now let me tell you of a drink
To which gives one the power to think
Elixir of the gods, with caffeine content
To keep you awake, an anti-sleep supplement
Made from roasted berries of the Coffea plant
And native to the tropical African subcontinent
Now be you Aussie, Italian or Greek
I’m sure you know, it’s Coffee I speak

Coffee! Held in awe and glory
Coffee! Each day it’s mandatory
That darkly coloured stimulant
Served hot or cold, or on preference
Slightly acidic and bitter to taste
With texture so creamy to compensate
I can see why in the 15th century
The drink was traded with such envy
I’m obsessed, I’m addicted, I have one each morning
A second, a third, a forth each day, to keep myself from yawning
So I’ll tell you a tale, to the misses and the mister
An ode it is, to the great Barista.

Yes you heard me right, I said it directly
The GREAT Barista, when spelled correctly
That noble profession, I admire it with awe
No not those bloody idiots that study the law!
The BaristA, but do you think me weird?
Yes, those hipsters, with the long hair and beard
Coffees their art and none can upstage
Those tattoo sleeved angels on a casual wage
For one to master the great art of coffee
Huge prizes awarded, or at least a trophy!
But there’s something that irks me and gets my goat
It makes me sick, bile in my throat
It makes me sad and it breaks my heart
The way we treat these masters of dark arts
Our orders were once so simple, “I’ll have an Espresso”
“A short black or long black, or maybe Ristretto”
“A Macchiato with milk please, I’d like to go”
Or to get a bit fancy, “a Cappuccino”
But now we seem to have flipped our order
Our daily coffee intake has become broader
“I’ll have a Café Latte, or I just might
Have an Australian invention, a humble Flat White”

Now these kinds of orders, the Barista will take
And barist it happily, but god forsake
You make an order that is a bit more unusual
That’s complicated and somewhat cruel
“Can I have mine with skim milk please?”
“Goats milk, Almond milk or from a tree”
“Soy milk for mine please, ‘cause I’m lactose”
Soy milk in your coffee you say? That’s just gross
Apparently, we’re now taking milk from a Camel
But it’s Cow’s milk for me and no other mammal
“Two sugars for me please, but make them raw”
And what the bloody hell is Stevia, that’s not sugar at all
“Just a Turmeric latte, with Honey please?”
“A half strength with Vanilla”, it makes me quese
I’m all worked up, I’m jacked and I’m wired
“Extra hot and extra strong please, ‘cause I feel tired”

Since when did humanity become so complex?
It has me confused, it has me vexed
But them poor Barista’s, they do their part
To flourish the milk, make the coffee art
The ferns and hearts and spiders webs
They make these shapes just for us plebs
To show our friends or take a photo
For our Facebook, Snapchat and Instagram sideshow
And maybe I’m just simple and have no patience
So, I think about it further and it starts to make sense
I guess coffee does bring us all together
On sunny days and in rainy weather
People of every colour, religion and nation
The Barista we have to thank for their creation

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